This will be a long one, brace yourselves. Last weekend, I was so blessed and so fortunate to go to a seminar called “Live Big” put on by Gerald Rogers and Garrett J. White. Holy guacamole, was this seminar amazing! It was a motivational seminar where I learned to connect with myself on such a deep level. On the first day, we are all sitting in this room and Garrett is asking us “Why are you here and what do you want to get from Live Big?”, then going around the room and making random people answer the question. I answered the question in my head. I wanted to feel loved and feel like there is some sort of certainty or stability in my life. Later they asked us a series of questions. First one was what our biggest fears were. My biggest fear was losing what I love; that the people around me would realize how amazing they are compared to me and stop loving me because of that. I know I am blessed to have amazing people in my life, and I was so scared that they would wake up one day and realize that I’m not that great and stop loving me and I would be alone. I knew what aspect of my life needed transforming. I needed to create a better relationship with myself. The other question was “What are we most afraid to find out about ourselves?” To this I answered, that I really wasn’t good enough. I pretend to be all these things; smart, pretty, talented. But what if it just wasn’t enough and I really wasn’t all those things. Okay, now I am not telling you all this for you to feel sorry for me. I am telling out all this so you can see how my transformation happened and how huge it was.
The first night, Garrett had us meditate and took us to this beautiful garden. He told us he was going to take us to a place of our ‘sacred selves’ and our ‘shadow selves’. I was imagining my garden. It was beautiful! As I was sitting in my garden, I felt so much peace and love. When I saw my sacred self, I saw someone with so much light and happiness. I saw someone great. I saw someone who knew who she was; she was certain of who she was. In her was so much love, for others and herself, there was happiness, excitement, success, and talent. She was beautiful, inside and out. There was a great light that shined through her. There was a sparkle in her that I have always wished I had in me. I didn’t believe this beautiful girl was me. As I grabbed her hand, I felt a deep connection with her, like I knew her. And then, tears came to my eyes as I embraced her and realized that IS me. This glorious person lived inside of me.
Afterwards, we were told to visit a dark place where our shadow self resides. When I was in this place of darkness and chaos, I saw myself as someone who hated herself; a girl who had fallen into a worldly trap. She let the world tell her what beauty was and in doing so, she lost that divinity within her. She didn’t love herself, she didn’t know who she was; she was lost. I felt so much pain for her. This girl did not feel loved or happy or successful. She felt alone and scared and unworthy. She was focused on what others thought about her. This shadow self of me had no light within her. She had no self worth or self confidence. She was just lost. I felt so much pity for her. I wanted to tell her how great she is and how much potential she has. The one word I kept seeing in relation to my shadow self was the world ‘lost’.
Then, we went back to our garden where both our sacred self and shadow self were. As I looked at both my shadow self and my sacred self, I saw a portion of who I once was in my shadow self and a lot of who I never want to become. And in my sacred self, I saw who I want to become. I looked at my shadow self and felt pity because I knew she was lost and didn’t love herself. She didn’t know who she was. And I looked at my sacred self and felt comfort and peace knowing she was happy and loved who she was. We all three embraced and I realized I needed both of them to be me. You cannot have light without dark. I needed both of them. I could not have my sacred self without my shadow self. I was able to forgive my shadow self for her mistakes and love her because without her, I couldn’t have my sacred self. I accepted both of them and embraced both of them and allowed us to bind together and become one.
Okay, so I knew what was in my sacred self, and that she was in me, but I didn’t understand HOW she was that way. How could she be so happy, and feel so loved? How did she have this great presence and this light shine through her? I saw she was so beautiful, inside and out, but I didn’t understand how she was that way or why. So the next day, Gerald took us back to our garden–I love my garden, it’s beautiful! I was sitting in my tree swing, watching and admiring the beauty. I looked out into the horizon, and saw a bright beaming someone coming toward me. As they got closer, I felt their presence stronger and stronger. I felt their greatness and their divinity and power. It was radiating from them. When they got closer, I realized that great being was my sacred self. She looked at me with such love. We were told to ask our sacred self one question we desperately wanted answered. So I looked at my sacred self and saw her beauty and her great divinity and asked her how to love myself and have the greatness she has. She looked at me and smiled and said, “Look inside yourself. Look at your heart. You ARE beautiful, inside and out. You are powerful and courageous. You don’t need to rely on others for happiness, certainty or self worth. It’s all in you.” As I thought about her answer I realized I have always looked to others to find certainty, love, happiness, etc but it is all within me. I do not need to be dependent upon others to feel that. I have that power within me. This feeling and realization was awesome. I felt amazing and at peace with myself.
When they gave us to homework to ask ourselves “who am I?” seven times before we went to bed, I woke up and had nothing. I wrote on my paper “I am Alyson Cook, a daughter of Heavenly Father” That’s all I could think to write. So we start talking about strengths and gifts, and I couldn’t come up with a thing. Not one thing. I didn’t know who I was. I went the whole day trying to figure out what my strengths and my gifts were but I just didn’t feel like I had any real strengths. This was really frustrating and a bit disempowering to me. In fact, I even text some friends and family to ask what they thought my strengths were, they all text back these really nice and sweet texts, but I didn’t believe any of them to truly be my strengths. I felt like I had taken a step backward. I had felt so great and connected with myself the day before and now I couldn’t figure out what my strengths were.
When we came in the room, we sat in our chairs and began to go to a state of meditation and in this state, Garrett told us to come up with three words about who we were. At first, I couldn’t think of anything. This is what I had been trying to think of for the past 24 hours. So I concentrated and the word ‘caring’ came into my mind. I thought, “Okay, fine, I‘ll just roll with it.” So then I concentrated more and the word that came to my mind was ‘courageous’. Not sure I believed that, but I just needed one more word so, again, I concentrated to come up with my last word. That third word I thought of was ‘beautiful’. I definitely wasn’t sure how I felt about this one, but I had all three of my words and I didn’t want to concentrate anymore to think of more words. Once we had our three words, he told us to place those three words in between the phrase “I am a” and “man/woman”. So my phrase was “I am a caring, courageous, beautiful woman.” Now, they told us to start saying it out loud while keeping our eyes closed. Everyone began to say it out loud and as we kept saying it, everyone got louder. I could tell everyone was saying their phrase with such power, but I still didn’t believe my phrase so I wasn’t saying it with much power. As we continued to say our phrase and keep our eyes closed, they moved us into a big standing circle, everyone connected with our hands on each other’s shoulders. I noticed the more I said it, the more powerful I was saying it. I actually believed what I was saying. At the end of the exercise I sat in my chair and I was a little confused by what we had just done, but as people got up and starting talking about their experiences, I realized, I knew the answer to the question, “Who am I?” I am a caring, courageous, beautiful woman. I learned that not only was I a divine daughter of Heavenly Father, but I have so much within me. I am that sacred self that I saw in my garden; divine, worthy, kind, smart, caring, courageous, beautiful –inside and out –with a sparkling countenance, and the light of Christ shining through.
One of the last exercises we did was called “Lifeboat”. Those of you who were at Live Big and are reading this are probably smiling and shaking your head right now. I can’t necessarily say I loved this exercise, but I guess I can’t say I hated it either. It definitely had a HUGE impact on me and opened my eyes big time. We were all in the room and Garrett took us to a meditated state where we were on a cruise ship with everyone in the room, and all of the sudden “BAM!” (I literally jumped out of my seat when he yelled this). So he took us through the scenario of the ship sinking. The ship was sinking and there was one lifeboat left, with four spots on it. We had to get up and declare why we deserved to be on this lifeboat. Honestly, my first thought was, I don’t deserve to be on that lifeboat….there are other people who are much better people with much more potential in this room. So that part of the exercise was difficult for me because I hadn’t convinced myself I deserved to live and be on that lifeboat. Anyway, everyone got up and declared why they deserved to live. Some said they would step aside and let someone else take their spot, and some got up and told everyone why they truly deserved to survive, while others, like myself, got up and said something they didn’t believe as to why they should survive. After everyone gave their reasons why they should survive, we were put into 4 groups. Everyone was given 3 Popsicle sticks. We had to go around our circle and choose 3 people to live and give them a Popsicle stick. To everyone else, we had to look them in the eye and say “you die.” When you were given a Popsicle stick, you were to hold it up, shout your name and say “I live!” This part of the exercise was difficult for me also. I did not like when I was given a Popsicle stick. I felt guilty, thinking others deserved it more. So I would meekly raise my Popsicle stick and say “I’m Aly, I live.” After everyone was done giving their Popsicle sticks away, Garrett had us count our sticks and then find out who had received the most sticks. There were 4 people up at the front, each had received 7 to 9 sticks. He then asked those 4 which of them gave themselves a stick, 2 sat down. Then Garrett asked those remaining 2 standing, how many sticks they had each given themselves. One gave themselves 1 stick; the other gave herself 2 sticks. He told the one who gave herself 2 sticks to have a seat. Out of the 30ish people in the room, only 1 person had given herself a stick, while still giving what she had left to others. Only 1 person gave herself a stick. Only 1 person believed in themselves that much that they gave themselves a stick. He had us gather around in a circle around this one person and yell out what message we wanted her to take back to our loved ones who would never see us again. This part was where it hit me. Because I did not see myself worthy of a stick, I would not be able to see my family again. I would not be a mother or a wife or accomplish any of my goals. I would not change the world because I did not feel worthy to live. I started bawling, which I guess doesn’t take much for me, but this was really a slap in the face to myself, from myself. I had realized all these great things about me over the weekend, but when push came to shove, I still felt undeserving. We left the room, and when we came back in we sat down and Garrett told us to close our eyes and listen to the words of the song “Dream Big” by Ryan Shuppe and the Rubber Band. Even more tears came to my eyes as I listened to this song. I knew I deserved to dream big. I deserve nothing short of the greatest.
Now for the last exercise we did, we were told to line up the chairs in 2 rows so the chairs were facing each other. We each took a seat and for 30 seconds, told the person we sat across from the greatness that we see in them. Then after 30 seconds we switched and they told us the greatness they see in us. After both partners had gone, we would switch. This activity was awesome. Not only did I love listening to the greatness that people see in me, but even more than that, I loved telling people the greatness I see in them and seeing the tears in their eyes as you told them. I loved looking in their eyes and connecting with them on such a deeper level. There was one turn we sat down across from the person and then were immediately told to switch. Gerald explained to us that we miss out on opportunities to tell people how great they are every day. And there was also a turn when he told us not to say anything, just to look at them in the eyes and tell them with our eyes the greatness we see in them. This was my favorite. I loved looking into my partners eyes and seeing her beautiful soul. Tears, once again, filled my eyes as we did this. Also, I loved that everyone said such similar things about me. Everyone saw the same greatness inside of me. I loved “the greatness I see in you” exercise. It made me feel a whole lot better about myself after the “Lifeboat” exercise!
To those of you who were not at the event, these activities may seem a little strange and nuts, but it truly changed my life. A week ago I didn’t know who I was, now I dare you to ask me that question. I promise I will not only give you an answer, but I will believe it with all my heart. I have so much to give. There is a greatness inside of me that is untouchable. I love who I am.
Dear Gerald and Garrett,
I want to tell you both thank you so much for opening up my eyes and helping me to see who I am which has allowed me to feel this powerful and amazing feeling inside. I never want it to leave. I truly love myself and I have you two to thank for that. You are both two people I greatly look up to and I hope you don’t mind if I think of you both as two of my heroes. Thank you for shining so bright at your natural greatness and allowing others, including myself, to see their natural greatness because of it. I know who I am. Thank you.
Love,
A caring, courageous and beautiful woman
